Recently I’ve been working on managing my anger.
This came about as a result of my losing it at the millionth person who blocked our drive with their car. A care worker who calls next door parked in front of my neighbour’s house, in a space that isn’t long enough to park a car without obstructing someone’s drive (usually ours). My husband tried to maneuver around her car, and misjudged it and scraped our car against the brick pillar at the entrance to the drive. I totally lost it. It’s somewhat out of character for me (I’m usually a moaner and complainer) and even though my personal trainer thought it was great that I’d got angry, I felt like this was something I definitely didn’t want to be doing.
So, following some of my own (sage) advice, I sought to focus on what I did want, rather than what I didn’t want.
I DO want to allow my feelings to be felt, and I want to express those feelings in a safe way, and then I want to reflect on a course of action that will go further to helping me get what I want than losing my temper will do. What I don’t want is to fly off the handle, shout and remonstrate with those who have offended, and feel regret my outburst afterwards.
So, focusing on expressing my feelings and getting the result I DO want…
Last night I was visiting a friend and a Tesco home delivery driver clipped my (legally) parked car, then denied having done it. He refused to give me his contact details, said I had his vehicle reg number and “Tesco” and that was good enough. He told me he drives past parked cars all the time and their alarms often go off. (But my alarm only goes off when the car is rocked — it’s a motion detector, and there’s a stabiliser system that prevents false alarms from drive-by incidents). No, my car’s gouged and crunched fender had nothing to do with him. No, those were old dents and scrapes on his lorry. No, you don’t need my name, cos I didn’t do it!
Only when I asked clearly, “Are you refusing to give me your contact details?” did he demur and give me a number to ring Tesco. I took photos with my Blackberry. (Whatever did we do before mobile phones with cameras?) I found the curled paint on the road beside my car. I brought my friend out to see the damage and say what they’d seen.
But I didn’t lose my temper. I was terribly upset, in tears at one point, especially when he accused me of opportunistically lying to make money out of Tesco. But I managed the littlest bit of compassion: I thought that he was doing the best he could with what personal resources he had. And I felt sort of sorry for him. He said someone last week accused him of running into his car. (No surprise there.) I wondered if he was in fear of losing his job from a pattern of carelessness, and then his family would be in trouble. Yes, a tiny bit of compassion.
So, today, I’m still sort of upset about my car, and the way he spoke to me and treated me. But the manager at the Tesco there in Cowley said their insurance department would contact me today and we’ll go from there.
Anger management success, of a sort.