I thought my family was pretty normal. I never thought of it as dysfunctional. Not until I took a post-grad course in abnormal psychology. What an eye opener!
My father was married once before. I knew he had one son from that marriage, Jim, because I’ve seen photos from when I was small. Jim must be around 20 years older than I am. When I was a toddler, Jim had an infant son, Jimmie. Our father died in 1970, and I haven’t seen or heard from Jim or Jimmie since the funeral. In the past two years I have been exploring the family tree, doing quite a bit of genealogy research, and I found a photo that’s labeled “Grandpa Dan with Jimmie and Donnie – 1939.” Donnie?! That’s my grandfather, and my half-brother Jim, and he seems to have a younger brother Donnie, maybe 2-3 years younger. That means my dad had two boys. Which would mean I have (or had) two brothers! I never knew them. Recent attempts to trace them have been fruitless, so far.
My mother had 3 sisters, one older and two younger. In the late 1930’s or 40’s the three eldest sisters moved from the farm in Indiana to Los Angeles. The youngest sister stayed with their mother and father on the farm. In the late 1960’s, grandpa died and left rather a lot of money to his wife and their 4 daughters. A few years later, grandma died, and all the remaining assets passed to the daughters. Something happened during that time, having to do with the estate, that caused a row between the California girls and the Indiana girl. I never really knew what it was, but it must’ve been a huge thing: my mom and one of her sisters held onto that grudge against the Indiana sister until they died. That’s 60 or 70 years. Now the three Californa sisters have all died, and I’ve been making attempts to re-connect with my one living auntie. The fight was in the previous generation, and I don’t think it has to do with me, at least, not now that the other sisters are all dead.
So, the family I thought of as pretty normal seems to have a lot of problems, hidden secrets and broken relationships. I think about that quite a bit and have taken some steps to change the family dynamic. No joy yet.
I DO notice that this sort of family break-down isn’t that unusual. I have friends who have broken off relationships with their own children, and with their parents. That’s hard for me to understand, but then, I don’t come from an abusive background. I simply do not understand how fathers can basically disown their children. I just don’t get it.
Anyway, I think I may hire some family researcher (genealogist) to help me with my father’s first marriage and their children. I haven’t been able to find any records of it anywhere so far.
My mother’s Indiana sister is still living, I think. Last year she dropped her lawsuit against my cousin for the mismanagement of her mother’s will (she was the last California sister.) I was named as an interested party in that suit, so she knows my address. Two postcards I’ve sent haven’t been answered. Indiana sister has three sons, my first cousins, whom I haven’t seen since I was in my teens. One of those sons has a pretty well-known basketball-playing daughter, whom I found on Facebook. I sent her a note to let her dad know I was wanting to reconnect, and if he did too, to please email me. No word. But I noticed that shortly thereafter, someone from that town was reading this blog. So maybe I should ramp it up and try the direct approach — like, pick up the phone! I wonder whay I don’t do that? What am I afraid would happen? That she would just not want to talk to me, or that she has passed away and it’s too late.
