How to Flourish in Your Life

Most psychological approaches ask us to look at our pain, weaknesses and short-comings, and then implement a plan to improve so that we’ll feel better or be more effective or have more self-esteem. If you take a close look at most models, there is nothing that offers a ‘cure’ for your woes, but only palliative therapies. Removing or reducing the bad stuff is one approach, but it doesn’t seem to me that it’s helpful in leading a fulfilling life. I manage my depression, learn to get past my sad/scared/angry feelings of the past, forgive my perpetrators. But none of that makes me happy, does it?

Dr Martin Seligman decided that he wanted a psychology that helped people to be happy, to lead fulfilling lives, and he invented ‘positive psychology’.

At first he called it ‘authentic happiness’, and focused on happiness-as-a-positive-emotion. But reflection made him realize that this excluded people who weren’t a walking happy face, or were introverted. Like him. And like me.

I’m annoyed when someone, usually a stranger, looks at me and says, ‘Smile!’ I think of myself as pretty serious, not frivolous, and certainly not jolly (in spite of my Facebook photo at the moment). But I feel good about my life, challenged and rewarded, engaged and purposeful, loving and loved. My life is fulfilled.

So Dr Seligman took a deeper look at his subject matter, something I usually appreciate when I encounter it. He came up with a five-point plan for flourishing in life. He called his new book, Flourish.

He look at 5 points to a flourishing life, acronym: P E R M A.

P for Positive Emotions: we need to feel happy, satisfied, grateful, hopeful, loved, amused, content, joyful and all sorts of other positive emotions. These are just some of mine; your list will be different. I want to experience more of these emotions, and fewer of the other sort. Meditation has helped me experience emotions as passing states, and I’ve learned that I can elicit different emotions by thinking different thoughts. How much of your time is spent feeling positive emotions?

E is for Engagement: When I do work in which I feel engaged, I’m completely absorbed, and time flies by. You know the idea of being ‘in the flow’? It’s when you are so engrossed in what you’re doing that you lose awareness of the world around you, your aches and pains, the noisy children next door, your worries and woes. This happens for me when I’m writing. Also when I’m reading a particularly skillfully crafted detective novel. 🙂 Do you love what you spend most of your time doing?

R is for Positive Relationships: (‘P’ was already used.) Our relationships bring us opportunities for growth and development, serve as mirrors of our own character, and let us love and be loved. If you’re challenged to make and keep close friends, heal rifts with family members, or attract and maintain an intimate relationship, this probably gets a lot of your mental and emotional attention. In what ways are you actively seeking to improve your relationships?

M is for Meaning: When there’s a sense that you are doing things for benefit to something beyond yourself, it brings satisfaction. For me, I have a picture of my purpose and I just know when what I’m doing fits snugly into that picture. It doesn’t need a belief in god to know your purpose, although that might be your path. It’s within your heart, and when you discover it or uncover it, you’ll know. There’s a tilt, or a click, as something falls neatly into place. What makes your heart sing? What do people seek you out for? What do you excel at? And where do you get into the flow? All of that hints at your personal meaning in life.

A is for Achievement: We feel good about ourselves when we accomplish what we set out to do. If it also clicks with our sense of purpose, then we get those positive emotions, but we feel particularly good when we’re proud of ourselves. At the end of each year I look back and list what I’ve achieved. The list can get surprisingly long! When I see the list, I feel good about myself and the direction my life is going. How often to you pause to feel that glow of pride when you’ve accomplished what you set out to do? How would it be if you did that more often? Or more deeply?

“At last, psychology gets serious about glee, fun and happiness. Martin Seligman has given us a gift – a practical map for the perennial quest for a flourishing life.”
Daniel Goleman, author of /Emotional Intelligence

“I finished his new book, Flourish, a convert… less an academic or therapeutic enterprise than a game-changing crusade.”
New Scientist

“The reason western policy-makers are excited by Seligman’s approach is that he has apparently found a way to turn the lessons of ancient philosophy into an evidence-backed science”
The Spectator

[AMAZONPRODUCT=1857885694]

Related reading:  List of Feeling Words

Overcome your fear of flying

I just completed 4 flights, for a total of 26 hours in the air, free of fear and without help from drugs or alcohol.

Yes. this is really me, Debby, who hasn’t flown in two decades without Valium to reduce my anxiety.

How did I do it?

I read a great book and took the author’s advice (see the book at the bottom of this post).

Fear is triggered by turbulence, noises, movement, loss of control and sensations. Captain Keith helps you deal with each of these.

The lessons for me were:
1. ‘Not normal’ for me is not the same thing as dangerous
2. ‘Unfamiliar’ to me is not the same thing as unusual
3. Modern aircraft are operated well below their capacity for airspeed, manoeuverability in the air, weight it can carry, stopping distance on runway, hard landings, turbulence, and they have more safety features than they will ever need.

Noises and movement feel unfamiliar and we can feel out of control, which is scary. But if you look around you, you’ll see calm people. Cabin crew and frequent fliers aren’t bothered. They’ve spent so much time in airplanes, in the air, that the things that you might think are unusual are normal to them. It’s just that to you they’re unfamiliar, and so you think that they’re unusual.

There are three main things you can do to put your fear of flying behind you.

1. Read this book and learn how aircraft work and what pilots do. Learn about noises and sensations.
2. When there is turbulence, strap yourself in. Wiggle back into the seat and then tighten your seat belt. Relax and let the seat support you, and you will move with the plane instead of a moment after. You’ll feel better. Breathe slowly. Breathe s-l-o-w-l-y.
3. When there’s noise that you don’t understand, ask one of the cabin crew about it, or ask the calm person beside you. Remind yourself (and this became my mantra): It’s just the speed brakes, flaps, wheels or engine. Everything’s fine.

I’m proud of myself. One of the four flights was 3 hours with the seat belt sign lit the whole way. Only once did I get that little jolt of adrenalin. But I just tightened my seat belt and repeated my mantra.

I feel liberated, no joke.

[AMAZONPRODUCT=0954282809]

What is Action Inquiry?

Action Inquiry is a systematic, life-long practice to help you learn from your experience. By practicing Action Inquiry, you can increase your personal integrity, your capability to achieve what you want, your capability to work with others more collaboratively toward shared visions, and your use of transformational learning to create a more just and sustainable world.

Definitions of terms

Systematic: Consisting of planned, orderly, repeatable, defined steps

Practice (n): when you perform a technique repeatedly, in an effort to get better at it

Integrity: behaving in a way consistent with your values; lack of a gap between what you intend and what you do, or what you say and what you do, or what you feel and what you say that you feel

Effective: your strategy or actions are effective when the efforts you put in create the results you want

Transformational: it changes the way you see things, not simply the way you DO things

Bill Torbert, in his 2004 book, Action Inquiry, says that practicing Action Inquiry is a way to become:

  • increasingly capable of making future visions come true
  • Increasingly alert to the dangers and opportunities of the present moment
  • Increasingly capable of performing in effective and transformational ways

Action Inquiry has 3 aims

  1. Within the individual, the aim is integrity. Integrity grows by means of regular dynamic evaluations into the gaps between what I plan and what I do, or between how I feel and what I say that I feel, or between what I value and what my actions create. All those sorts of things.
  2. In relationships, the aim is mutuality. When we recognize power differences between 2 people and keep in mind that the use of power can reduce trust and impede honest communication, we’re more able to take creative action toward shared visions and goals, increase collaborative conversations and jointly determined ways of working together to co-create our outcome.
  3. In wider organizations, the aim is sustainability. In order to be sustainable, organizations must create effectiveness, integrity and mutuality to continue growing toward social justice and harmony with the natural environment.

[AMAZONPRODUCT=157675264X]

Related reading: