Setting boundaries

Someone asked my advice for learning to set personal boundaries.

Well, what’s appropriate is different for everyone. A basic (though not simple!) approach is to look at what you value, and determine what your response would be if or when those values are not respected. Some of them will be “deal-breakers” (in the words of Dr Phil). By that I mean that if those values aren’t respected, the relationship isn’t tolerable. Some women hold the value of non-violence, and if anyone in their life raises a hand to them, that’s a deal-breaker. Other women don’t feel that way.

Steve Pavlina posted on his blog a list of possible values, from which you can pick the ones most important to you, and then prioritise. (He’s listed 374 things, and lets you know you are free to add more!)  Pick, say, 10 or 12, more if you like. But if you try this out with just a few values, you’ll get a good feel for how it is to think about this kind of thing.  For example, here are the values I picked (in alphabetical order):

  • Agility (mental and situational, not physical)
  • Appreciation
  • Approachability
  • Courage
  • Consciousness
  • Excellence
  • Freedom
  • Gratitude
  • Honesty
  • Introversion
  • Mindfulness
  • Punctuality

Once you have your long list, now put your items in priority order. When I prioritise mine, here’s what I get:

  • Mindfulness
  • Gratitude
  • Appreciation
  • Introversion
  • Courage
  • Consciousness
  • Honesty
  • Freedom
  • Excellence
  • Punctuality
  • Agility
  • Approachability

Even in the 5 minutes it took me to do this, I’ve learned something about myself. Namely, that Approachability isn’t that important to me when I compare it to all the other things. Why not try this for yourself, and see what you find out about yourself.

For me, I need a sharper focus on fewer things, so I’ll concentrate on my top 5.

  • Mindfulness
  • Gratitude
  • Appreciation
  • Introversion
  • Courage

I want to consider how I can manifest those values in my life.

The boundary setting comes into play when I imagine someone or some situation asking me to behave in a way that violates my value system. Would I comply? If so, why? The answer to that question helps me understand the nuances of what I value.

For example, one of my high values is Introversion. To me, it’s essential that I have quiet, alone time in which I can re-charge. So I need to be in a work environment that supports that need. An open plan office next to the coffee break area, with a radio continually on, and loud telephone conversations at a fever pitch of excitement, are NOT the work environment in which I thrive. So I will work to minimise all those things in my workspace. That has meant requesting a desk move, or policy changes, or an office with a door that shuts, or more home-working. These are all different ways I can honour this value.

I think that we value our jobs or careers more than we might initially think. When our boundary is pushed at work, we often tolerate it, sometimes to an extent that will surprise us. It’s an opportunity to look more deeply at ourselves and our motivations.

I think that most of us try really hard to set appropriate boundaries. Some of are successful, others not so.

Ask yourself which action causes more discomfort: Setting firm and compassionate boundaries and helping others respect them? Or not setting boundaries and repeatedly trying to manage the resultant upset? I know what I prefer! 🙂

But admittedly, it’s not easy, and can be a long journey.