Month: April 2010

No Comparison

There is no one exactly like you. You have special talents, skills, ways of looking at the world and of connecting to the people in your life. But we tend to compare ourselves to others. When we do that, we may imagine that others are better than we are and feel bad. Or we may think we come off looking better than others, and feel a bit smug. Either way, it doesn’t make us happier. In fact, it adds stress.

Consider what happens when we compare ourselves to others and think that they’re better than we are. We could use it to motivate ourselves to do better and make more of ourselves, but we usually don’t. Instead we think of ourselves as losers and beat ourselves up.  We look at celebrities and think how slim they are, how beautiful. We envy them their glam holidays or famous partners. Then, inevitably, we compare our lives to theirs. And in reality, we look more like Ann Widdicombe than Kate Winslet, the credit crunch has us settling for a dinner of fish finger sandwiches, chips and baked beans, and we’re looking forward to a package holiday self-catering in Benidorm.

It might serve us better to recognise that celebrities have their problems, just like we do. They work to create a secure, joyful life, just like we do. They worry about their children being safe and happy, just like we do. And they have pain in their lives when things don’t work out. Just like we do.

Now consider what happens when we compare ourselves to others and think that we come out looking a little better. Some popular examples might include Amy Winehouse, Jade Goody, or Karen Matthews, the mother who abducted her own daughter, Shannon. As we witness their struggles in the daily news, we could see examples of what not to do in our own lives, or we might see something in our lives that we want to change before it goes badly wrong. But instead, we usually shake our heads and say, ‘What losers. I’d never behave that way.’ When we feel superior, we have to defend ourselves from losing  ground. We have to stay vigilant to keep our heads above the rest.

It might serve us better to recognise that these people do the best they can with what they have, just like we do. The get their lives into a tangle of unhealthy habits or bad choices, just like we do. They may feel overwhelmed at the responsibilities and expectations they face, just like we do. They handle their fear by refusing to face reality and hoping their troubles will just disappear. Just like we do.

No-one comes out a winner when we compare ourselves to others. It just adds stress to your life.  Instead, the next time you notice you’re comparing yourself to someone else, catch yourself, and look instead at how you are like them. Your common humanity and the shared struggle connects you as human beings, and allows compassion to grow.

7 ways to feel happier at the end of the day

  1. Make a plan for your day. List the things you must do. Keep the list short, so you can do them.
  2. Do the most important thing first. That way, if you get interrupted later, you’ll already have done something worthwhile. Don’t just do the easy thing first.
  3. Complete three things each day, for sure. Fewer than three doesn’t offer enough opportunities for feeling great about accomplishments. Aiming for more just adds stress to your life.
  4. Keep your commitments. If you can’t keep them, then re-negotiate and make a new commitment. Include commitments you make to yourself as well as those you make to others.
  5. Take some exercise. If you don’t do any now, add some. If you do some already, then good for you!
  6. Do the washing up before you go to bed. (This could be one of the three things you complete.) FlyLady also suggests you should Shine Your Sink.
  7. When you get into bed, think of three things that you’re grateful for. Feel free to think of more!

Will you let me know how this works for you? Leave a comment.

Clear Your Clutter

Our lives can be free-flowing, full of confidence, opportunity and good luck. Or, we can feel stuck, embarrassed and unlucky. To have more of the former, it can help if we clear out our physical environment. Getting rid of your clutter, all the things you don’t want, allows more space in your life for the things you do want.

Karen Kingston has written a great little book that has helped millions to work out their clutter problem, called Clearing Your Clutter with Feng Shui (pronounced roughly ‘fung shway’). Don’t be put off by the ‘feng shui’ bit. That’s useful, and interesting, but the advice on how to clear your clutter works even if you don’t care to know about feng shui. See her blog here:  http://tiny.cc/izxyj. See the most recent edition of her book here: http://tiny.cc/0h392

Assuming you recognize clutter when you see it, here are some of her tips for clearing it out.

  1. Plan your attack. A weekend blitz with all hands on deck? Or a little bit at a time?
  2. Plan your route. Walk around your house and make a list of all the cluttered areas: the underwear drawer, behind the hall door, the coat hooks, the kitchen window sill. Next, sort that list from Small to Big, and get stuck in at the top of the list, smallest things first. Start with a drawer or a cupboard and do that. It feels great, and you’ll want to do more!
  3. Prepare to conquer. Assemble 5 boxes or bags:
    1. Rubbish. Things not loveable, nor useful to anyone.
    2. Recycling. Things to be given to someone else, sold, donated to charity, or Free-cycled.
    3. Repairs. Only things you are sure you’ll use after they’re fixed.
    4. Transit. Things on their way to somewhere else in your house.
    5. Dilemma. A small box for the things you really need some time to think about.
    6. Clear your clutter. Take everything out of the area you’re working on. Then, pick up one item at a time and deal with it. Does it stay or go? If it stays, either put it back where it belongs, or in the relevant box: Repairs or Transit. If it goes, put it in either Rubbish or Recycle.

Karen says, ‘Decide that everything that takes up space in your house must pass the Clutter Test.’

  1. Does it lift my energy when I think about it or look at it?
  2. Do I absolutely love it?
  3. Is it genuinely useful?

Required: ‘Yes’ to question 1, and ‘Yes’ to either question 2 or 3.

Finally, remember that the speed with which you clear your clutter will be matched by the speed with which new, joyful, wonderful things come into your life.

Make it fun! You’ll love the result!

10 Tiny Changes

If you take a look around your life, you can probably see a lot of things you’d like to change. If you make a list of all those things, letting the ideas spill out of your over-crowded mind and onto a blank sheet of paper, it can be daunting. There can be literally hundreds of things, and every one of them looks huge. You could throw up your hands and never even begin.  But I’ve found a better way to get started.

Julia Cameron wrote The Artist’s Way to guide people on a 12-week path of personal change. One of her exercises is Ten Tiny Changes.

Make a list of ten tiny changes you could make in your life, that would bring you joy, or contentment, or a sigh of relief. These changes are really supposed to be tiny, more like ‘wash the window that catches the morning sun’ than ‘travel to the Maldives’. Choose things that would take only a few minutes.  Don’t be hard on yourself, but find some simple-to-do, high value things. For example, if you’re like me, there’s bound to be something that you notice repeatedly. How about the shrub that drips cold water on you every time you pass it? (Snip off that branch.) Or those cobwebs up above the door? (Brush them all away.)

From your list of ten tiny changes, pick one and make it your goal for this week. Do it! You’ll add something nice to your life.

Today, I filled a shopping bag full of novels to take to my local Oxfam. It’s cleared a nice space on my bookshelf, where I’ve put a small picture of my granddaughter. It’s made me smile.

Low Hanging Fruit – the downsides

When you hear the phrase ‘low hanging fruit’ in regard to a problem, it  generally means that the focus is on easy fixes that can be applied quickly for some gain. It’s a very popular approach to problem solving in business, where managers want to be seen to be actively solving workplace problems.

Although you are bound to get some quick wins (as well as some outright misses), there are unintended consequences of looking for the low hanging fruit.

  1. Very soon all the easy solutions will have been applied; all that remains are complex or difficult solutions.
  2. Often the first solution that comes to mind doesn’t fix the problem. If you are willing to stay in that uncomfortable groan zone for awhile longer, you’ll come up with a better solution. (By better, I mean less costly or more effective, or both.)
  3. Harvesting the low hanging fruit costs your organization more in the long run. If your easy and quick solutions don’t fix the problem, time and money have been spent and you still have to seriously and sytematically address the problem to find solutions.

Instead of grabbing for the low hanging fruit, try this:

  1. Use a formal root cause analysis (RCA) methodology. I’ve used Apollo Root Cause analysis very successfully. http://www.apollorca.com
  2. When the first potential solution is put forward, ask the group to think about how this might go wrong, what part of the problem it leaves unaddressed, or any other question that causes everyone to think further rather than grab the first low hanging fruit they find. The idea is to slow down and consider a bit more carefully.
  3. Brainstorm many possible solutions, then review each suggestion to see how well it addresses the problem, without introducing any other problems. These other problems are sometimes called ‘unintended consequences’. While unintended consequences might be good ones (it’s what we call serendipity — when you find something wonderful while looking for something else), most often the unintended consequences are problems that your ‘solution’ has created elsewhere in the system.

It’s not always a good service to the organization to harvest the low hanging fruit. The temptation to settle for ‘quick wins’ and easy solutions is not always (or even usually) the best thing in the long term.

Here’s what I think

I have a million things to say, on a thousand different topics, and a dozen points of view to offer on just about anything.

So I set up this new blog (after speaking to my friend Alex, who’s an internet marketing guru) and here I sit to do the first post, and I can’t think of anything to say.

Isn’t that just predictable? I also don’t perform too well when someone is looking over my shoulder, so maybe this feels like the world is looking over my shoulder. Hah!

Well, there’s always the delete button, isn’t there?

Things I’ll talk about (because I know something about them and have something to offer:

  • personal development
  • leadership development
  • measuring things in a business environment
  • Action Inquiry
  • Myers Briggs Personality typing
  • business process improvement
  • software engineering process improvement
  • KPIs, especially for IT organizations
  • coaching for business results
  • integral anything (ala Ken Wilber)
  • Leadership Development Framework (ala Harthill consulting)
  • increasing your self confidence
  • Increasing your promotability at work
  • Getting things done – planning and organizing
  • de-cluttering
  • mind-mapping
  • emotional intelligence
  • building a healthy relationship
  • how to learn from your experience (more efficiently and effectively)

There’s more, but once I press ‘publish’ then I’m on my way.

May something I say here be of some use to you in your life.