No judgement

When you see someone or something you disapprove of, is your opinion written all over your face? Do you mutter to yourself ‘Humph! Well, I never!’, maybe loud enough for others to hear? Whatever your response, you can transform the situation from a stressful, upsetting incident to an opportunity to learn something about yourself.

Judging others lets us feel superior; we think we know better, and they should take our advice. We might think we’re being helpful when we give ‘constructive criticism’, but it’s often just being hurtful and judgmental.

This is the paradox: when you point your finger at someone else, there are three fingers pointing back at you. Psychologists tell us that what we judge in others are often the things we don’t like in ourselves, but don’t want to think about or even acknowledge. Life provides these helpful reflections every day, often in obvious ways. Judging others raises your level of stress by winding you up and leaving issues unresolved.

Think about the last time you felt really annoyed, hurt or angry about how someone was behaving. See if you can identify exactly what it was that got such a rise out of you. Now, pretend that’s a mirror held up for your benefit. How are you like that? For example, I hurry my trolley past the frustratingly slow old dear with her Zimmer frame and get to the checkout first, to be met by a shop assistant with a cold who sneezes all over my veg. ‘Well!’ I sniff. ‘How inconsiderate!’

This idea that we fail to recognise in ourselves what we judge in others isn’t new. The New Testament asks, ‘Why do you notice the speck in your brother’s eye, but fail to notice the log in your own eye?’ You see something over there,  judge it, and fail to notice that the same quality is in you.

Think about an instance in your life where you think someone is wrong. Maybe a family member? Is there someone you clash with regularly? What do you say about them? ‘That Claire, she just doesn’t care about anyone but herself!’ It might be that the universe is offering you a lesson, if you are open to taking it on board. Look to see where you appear to be (or actually are) uncaring, and thinking only about yourself. If you open your heart and really take a good look, you’ll find some part of you that feels unloved, unacceptable (to you), and shameful (to you). It can be hard to look directly at yourself, so you see this quality in others instead. And you’ll find it everywhere.

Here’s a challenge, if you’re willing. Finish this sentence: I just can’t stand people who… Now, ask yourself, ‘How am I like that?’

You may find your stress level reduced when you tackle what you can change (yourself) instead of what you can’t change (everyone and everything else).

No Comparison

There is no one exactly like you. You have special talents, skills, ways of looking at the world and of connecting to the people in your life. But we tend to compare ourselves to others. When we do that, we may imagine that others are better than we are and feel bad. Or we may think we come off looking better than others, and feel a bit smug. Either way, it doesn’t make us happier. In fact, it adds stress.

Consider what happens when we compare ourselves to others and think that they’re better than we are. We could use it to motivate ourselves to do better and make more of ourselves, but we usually don’t. Instead we think of ourselves as losers and beat ourselves up.  We look at celebrities and think how slim they are, how beautiful. We envy them their glam holidays or famous partners. Then, inevitably, we compare our lives to theirs. And in reality, we look more like Ann Widdicombe than Kate Winslet, the credit crunch has us settling for a dinner of fish finger sandwiches, chips and baked beans, and we’re looking forward to a package holiday self-catering in Benidorm.

It might serve us better to recognise that celebrities have their problems, just like we do. They work to create a secure, joyful life, just like we do. They worry about their children being safe and happy, just like we do. And they have pain in their lives when things don’t work out. Just like we do.

Now consider what happens when we compare ourselves to others and think that we come out looking a little better. Some popular examples might include Amy Winehouse, Jade Goody, or Karen Matthews, the mother who abducted her own daughter, Shannon. As we witness their struggles in the daily news, we could see examples of what not to do in our own lives, or we might see something in our lives that we want to change before it goes badly wrong. But instead, we usually shake our heads and say, ‘What losers. I’d never behave that way.’ When we feel superior, we have to defend ourselves from losing  ground. We have to stay vigilant to keep our heads above the rest.

It might serve us better to recognise that these people do the best they can with what they have, just like we do. The get their lives into a tangle of unhealthy habits or bad choices, just like we do. They may feel overwhelmed at the responsibilities and expectations they face, just like we do. They handle their fear by refusing to face reality and hoping their troubles will just disappear. Just like we do.

No-one comes out a winner when we compare ourselves to others. It just adds stress to your life.  Instead, the next time you notice you’re comparing yourself to someone else, catch yourself, and look instead at how you are like them. Your common humanity and the shared struggle connects you as human beings, and allows compassion to grow.