When you see someone or something you disapprove of, is your opinion written all over your face? Do you mutter to yourself ‘Humph! Well, I never!’, maybe loud enough for others to hear? Whatever your response, you can transform the situation from a stressful, upsetting incident to an opportunity to learn something about yourself.
Judging others lets us feel superior; we think we know better, and they should take our advice. We might think we’re being helpful when we give ‘constructive criticism’, but it’s often just being hurtful and judgmental.
This is the paradox: when you point your finger at someone else, there are three fingers pointing back at you. Psychologists tell us that what we judge in others are often the things we don’t like in ourselves, but don’t want to think about or even acknowledge. Life provides these helpful reflections every day, often in obvious ways. Judging others raises your level of stress by winding you up and leaving issues unresolved.
Think about the last time you felt really annoyed, hurt or angry about how someone was behaving. See if you can identify exactly what it was that got such a rise out of you. Now, pretend that’s a mirror held up for your benefit. How are you like that? For example, I hurry my trolley past the frustratingly slow old dear with her Zimmer frame and get to the checkout first, to be met by a shop assistant with a cold who sneezes all over my veg. ‘Well!’ I sniff. ‘How inconsiderate!’
This idea that we fail to recognise in ourselves what we judge in others isn’t new. The New Testament asks, ‘Why do you notice the speck in your brother’s eye, but fail to notice the log in your own eye?’ You see something over there, judge it, and fail to notice that the same quality is in you.
Think about an instance in your life where you think someone is wrong. Maybe a family member? Is there someone you clash with regularly? What do you say about them? ‘That Claire, she just doesn’t care about anyone but herself!’ It might be that the universe is offering you a lesson, if you are open to taking it on board. Look to see where you appear to be (or actually are) uncaring, and thinking only about yourself. If you open your heart and really take a good look, you’ll find some part of you that feels unloved, unacceptable (to you), and shameful (to you). It can be hard to look directly at yourself, so you see this quality in others instead. And you’ll find it everywhere.
Here’s a challenge, if you’re willing. Finish this sentence: I just can’t stand people who… Now, ask yourself, ‘How am I like that?’
You may find your stress level reduced when you tackle what you can change (yourself) instead of what you can’t change (everyone and everything else).