How to motivate (not)

People sometimes envy me, and I think that’s a bummer. The times I’m aware of it, it has to do with some perceived accomplishment of mine, that a person interprets as meaning that they can’t achieve it too. This is wrong on so many levels that it makes my head spin, and mires me in muck so that I can’t move.

Here are three scenarios I’ve noticed:

  1. I used to send out a newsy Christmas letter to friends and family. (I know, I know.) But I had moved from America to England, and there was a lot of interesting stuff to share about the differences in life in the two countries and my experience of the differences. One friend said this: “You write so well!! I LOVE to get your letters! I know I’ll never write this well, so I may as well give up. I’ll never write the great novel I’ve dreamed of, like, forever.” Or words to that effect.
  2. In a support group I’m part of, I share about my successes and not-so-successes. The latter are handled fine, with much building up and positive talk to fight my tendencey to succumb to the inertia of discouragement. The former have been met with “Everytime I hear about your achievements, I feel SO bad about myself. Why can’t I have the success you’re having? I want to feel happy for you, and I do, really I do. But why am I such a messed up person?” Or words to that effect.
  3. Once I was sharing with a friend my systematic approach to something I was tackling. I was telling how my strategies were intended to achieve an outcome that was in alignment with my purpose in life. (Yes, I really think like that. I know, I know.) And she listened politely for a minute, then said, “You should feel grateful for how much you have. You’re blessed with intelligence, health and positive outlook on life, which is much more than many people have. You should be satisfied with the abundance you have and not be so driven to get more.” Or words to that effect.

These examples are so much NOT the outcome I intended. They seem to indicate that:

  • I wanted to make them feel bad about their talents, to discourage them from trying to realise a dream.
  • I was ungrateful for what I have, and insensitive to other’s (self-perceived) sense of lack or not-good-enough inadequacy
  • their self-confidence was inversely related to mine: If I feel good about myself then they have to feel bad about themselves. What kind of backward thinking is that?
  • they believe life is a zero-sum game, where in order for me to win, you must lose. Or that there isn’t enough to go around, which means that what I get lots of, you won’t have enough of. How silly, really. Seriously.

In each of these cases, the message coming back to me from the world was that I had missed my mark. Where I meant to provide motvation, I de-motivated. Where I meant to bring a smile, I evoked pangs of defeat. Where I intended to be positive, I was felt to be insenstive.They compared themselves to me, and in their eyes, they came up short. I wrote not too long ago about No Comparison; I think it should be a rule for life.

I intend to look around me for instances where I am unintentionally feeding back something that’s not very useful to them, or that says everything about me and my personal hang-ups and very little (or nothing) about them or their way of being in the world.