Month: June 2010

What’s the right thing to do for your children?

I was talking to Marie yesterday. Marie’s daughter, Sarah, who is 9, is very much into her gymnastics and competes regularly.

Sarah does quite well in her local and regional competitions, often winnng a medal, but she’s not nationally competitive in her age group right now. Next weekend she’s going to an invitational open competition, where all the best 9 year old gymnasts in the nation will be competing.

This dilemma for her loving mum Marie is this: “Should I encourage her competitiveness and desire to win by telling her she can do it, that I have confidence in her, and she should really go for it and she’s sure to have a good result? Or should I be more realistic and try to prepare her for disappointment by telling her that the most important thing is for her to try, to have fun, to do her best, but to remember that because of her circumstances (a new coach,  emergency surgery causing time off, etc) not to get her hopes up, and be prepared to not place so high?”

I asked Marie what was the most important thing to her in raising her daughter? What was her biggest purpose?

Preparing them for life in the real world (where we regularly experience disappointments)? Nurturing their self-confidence so that they feel good about who they are? Protecting them from life’s tougher knocks?

There are two things this conversation brought to mind.

One, I hear a lot about the British culture of mediocrity, a topic of discussion especially during international individual sporting competitions –how we don’t encourage an attitude of winning, but one of trying your best. As a result (so some people say) Brits are seldom winners. The winners that DO emerge from the culture are idiosyncratic, and particularly noted for their unusual commitment and extreme will to win. Hmmm. I wonder how that unusual commitment and will to win is born? How do the exceptional performers develop their self-belief and confidence?

Second, how well do we prepare our children for the real world if we protect them from disappointment? What will happen to them once they begin to venture from the nest? Will the fledglings fly on their own? Or will they fall to the ground because they are unprepared.

I’m sure my bias is showing here. Provide love, nurturing and safety, plus good role models for self-confidence, positive thinking and taking risks (to an extent). Take care how you model fear of failure, acceptance of mediocrity or how you project your own limits onto your kids. Help them to prepare themselves the best they can for success, then let them try, and them help them learn from their results.

If Sarah doesn’t get the result she wants, then Marie can help her find a way to improve and get a better result next time.

Ethel May, Agnes, Claudine Rudy

My mother has a bit of mystery in her life, and in her origins.

We all knew my mother as Claudine Rudy Peterson, born on 22 May 1918 in Indiana. She died 18 Mar 1993, at her home in Fullerton, California.

My cousin Jay recalls teasing Claudine about really having the name Agnes. Jay used to tease her and call her “Aunt Agnes” and she would bristle at that, only half kidding. Usually, he called her “Aunt C”.

When I began my research into the family history, I joined Ancestry.com. What a great resource! I use it for research, connecting with others who are looking into the same names, and building my (several) family trees. I’ve been a member for 2 years now. Some of the user interface is clunky, and it can be inconsistent, but for the most part it sure does beat going in person to parishes, government record offices and official census repositories.

My mother was known as Claudine, named for her father Claude Rudy. Her mother was Cecile Beatrice Brunk, who was always called “CEE-sill”.

I made my first search on Ancestry, using these details. The only result was for someone called Ethel May Rudy. Born 22 May 1918 in Jackson Township, Howard County, Indiana. Mother Cecile Brunk. Father Charles Rudy. Charles? That could well be a typo. Charles and Claude aren’t that far apart. There was no other result.

My next stop was FamilySearch.org: Claudine Rudy, born 1918, Indiana USA. No result.

I tried Agnes, all other details the same. No result.

On a whim, I tried Ethel May Rudy, all other details the same. Result! Ethel May Rudy born 2 May 1918. Mother Cecile Brunk. Father “Charles or Claude Rudy”.

Well, well, well.

I went back to check the census records for 1920 and 1930.

In 1920, I found Claude and Cecile, along with their eldest daughter, Norma, age 5. Then there is a daughter called Agnes, age 3. Since this census date was 1 Jan 1920, my mother would have been still 1 year old, not turning 2 for 4 more months. There’s no child of that age. These are the only children listed.

In 1930 (1 Apr 1930), I find Claude and Cecile again, with Norma age 15, Claudine age 11, Vivian age 2 years 8 months.All correct ages. No Agnes.

So, I’m more confused than ever.

Who was Agnes? Where was Claudine on the 1920 census? Where is Ethel May, who has the same birth date as Claudine, in all this?

I haven’t solved it yet. I’ve even consulted with a professional genealogist, who suggested I apply for her original Social Security Administration application, which is supposed to have her birth name. I’m waiting for that to arrive.

I’ll let you know what I find out.

Learning Loops

When we experience something in life, we can look at it as an outcome. If the outcome isn’t what we expected, we can tell this by our reaction, even if we aren’t aware of exactly what we were expecting. It can be enough to notice that you are surprised. Or disappointed. Or some other feeling that helps you become aware that you have a result you didn’t want.

Capable learners learn from their experience. By this, I mean that when you recognize that you haven’t got the result you expected, and inquire into that result, you can change one of three things to get a better result.

  1. You can change your action, or behaviour. This is single loop learning. Don’t like what you got? Change what you do, and you’ll have a different result. If you are skillful in selecting what to try next, you may get a better result. If your husband always forgets to take out the recycling, you can try sending him a reminder email. If he still forgets, you can try having him set a reminder in Outlook.
  2. You can change your approach to the situation. This is double loop learning. Don’t like your result, even after trying several different actions? Maybe you want to change your approach. When you change your approach, or your strategy, then new actions arise as ideas to implement the strategy. If you’ve tried sending your husband an email to remind him to take out the recycling, and tried task reminders, and he is still forgetting, you might change your approach to the problem. You could decide to do it yourself. You could have a meeting to find out what he thinks might work to help him remember. Your actions would certainly change, but the key here is that you changed your strategy, or approach to the situation
  3. You can change you entire vision, or purpose. If your vision of what you are trying to do changes, then your approach will be different and your actions will be different as well. This is triple loop learning, where you can see a broad landscape and quite a distance into the future. Your partership with your husband is based on spiritual and personal development. It might not matter who actually does what task, but you might feel that re-negotiating the division of household chores so that each person has a good mix of the easy, the delightful, the mundane and the abhorrent. (For example.) Then a whole new approach or strategy is in order, to manifest this whole new purpose. And the actions you take will of course be different.

Most of us are very familiar with the single loop learning approach. We know the old adage that “insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” Think of the sentence that begins “When I don’t get what I want . . .“. Most of us can see how that might well be completed with:  “I try again“, or “I try harder“. Insanity? (hmmm.) A more adaptable, more learning-based approach, would be to ” I try something different“.

Some of us would look at an unwanted result, and think “I’ll try another approach to the same goal, because the goal I’ve set is the right one!” This is double loop learning in action.

To use triple loop learning in your life is pretty sophisticated. Only the most capable and skillful learners take such a broad or long view.

How many times have you questioned your life’s purpose? Or your vision for your life (and your future)? Probably, if you’re like most people, not often, if ever.  When you do, it can be confusing, upsetting and scary. But when you examine your life and apply solid principles of inquiring into your own actions, you have the means to create the rich, exciting and fulfilling life you want.

This is Action Inquiry, at its very best.

Healing family rifts

I thought my family was pretty normal. I never thought of it as dysfunctional. Not until I took a post-grad course in abnormal psychology. What an eye opener!

My father was married once before. I knew he had one son from that marriage, Jim, because I’ve seen photos from when I was small. Jim must be around 20 years older than I am. When I was a toddler, Jim had an infant son, Jimmie. Our father died in 1970, and I haven’t seen or heard from Jim or Jimmie since the funeral. In the past two years I have been exploring the family tree, doing quite a bit of genealogy research, and I found a photo that’s labeled “Grandpa Dan with Jimmie and Donnie – 1939.” Donnie?! That’s my grandfather, and my half-brother Jim, and he seems to have a younger brother Donnie, maybe 2-3 years younger. That means my dad had two boys. Which would mean I have (or had) two brothers! I never knew them. Recent attempts to trace them have been fruitless, so far.

My mother had 3 sisters, one older and two younger. In the late 1930’s or 40’s the three eldest sisters moved from the farm in Indiana to Los Angeles. The youngest sister stayed with their mother and father on the farm. In the late 1960’s, grandpa died and left rather a lot of money to his wife and their 4 daughters. A few years later, grandma died, and all the remaining assets passed to the daughters. Something happened during that time, having to do with the estate, that caused a row between the California girls and the Indiana girl. I never really knew what it was, but it must’ve been a huge thing: my mom and one of her sisters held onto that grudge against the Indiana sister until they died. That’s 60 or 70 years. Now the three Californa sisters have all died, and I’ve been making attempts to re-connect with my one living auntie. The fight was in the previous generation, and I don’t think it has to do with me, at least, not now that the other sisters are all dead.

So, the family I thought of as pretty normal seems to have a lot of problems, hidden secrets and broken relationships. I think about that quite a bit and have taken some steps to change the family dynamic. No joy yet.

I DO notice that this sort of family break-down isn’t that unusual. I have friends who have broken off relationships with their own children, and with their parents. That’s hard for me to understand, but then, I don’t come from an abusive background. I simply do not understand how fathers can basically disown their children. I just don’t get it.

Anyway, I think I may hire some family researcher (genealogist) to help me with my father’s first marriage and their children. I haven’t been able to find any records of it anywhere so far.

My mother’s Indiana sister is still living, I think. Last year she dropped her lawsuit against my cousin for the mismanagement of her mother’s will (she was the last California sister.) I was named as an interested party in that suit, so she knows my address. Two postcards I’ve sent haven’t been answered. Indiana sister has three sons, my first cousins, whom I haven’t seen since I was in my teens. One of those sons has a pretty well-known basketball-playing daughter, whom I found on Facebook. I sent her a note to let her dad know I was wanting to reconnect, and if he did too, to please email me. No word. But I noticed that shortly thereafter, someone from that town was reading this blog. So maybe I should ramp it up and try the direct approach — like, pick up the phone! I wonder whay I don’t do that? What am I afraid would happen? That she would just not want to talk to me, or that she has passed away and it’s too late.

How to ask for recognition

We’re working on making our relationship better. The reason we married all those years ago was to work together on personal and spiritual growth, within the relationship. By that very commitment, we got what we intended. Every difficulty is the path. There is no place else to go to work on myself, or on our relationship with each other.

So I try to follow Dr Phil’s advice: ask for what you want, don’t moan about what you don’t like.

That’s harder than it sounds.

Whenever a subject comes up that’s distressing, all I seem to be able to notice at frst is how distressing it is, what specifically it is that I don’t like. But when I settle down to try to be clear (first to myself, then to him) about what it is that I DO want, I struggle. I persevere, but I struggle.

I try to phrase things in “I statements” like for instance “I feel sad when you don’t share with me what’s going on in your life.”or, “I feel lonely when I have no one to share my successes with.”

Then I try to say what I’d prefer instead. “I’d like it if you came home and shared with me the highlights of your day at work, and maybe one thing that caught you a bit by surprise and caused you to learn something about how you were being or how you were seeing things.” Or, “I want you to recognise my wins, and cheer me on.”

Like that.

In return, I get the respect that comes from being listened to. I receive a willingness to talk, to see what can be done, to understand what I mean and what I want. Solutions appear.

For example, if I want more words of encouragement or acknowledgment, I need to be sure that I’m sharing my troubles or successes at a time when he’s free to give what I’m asking for. To that end, I’m no longer going to email him with my successes throughout the day, when he’s busy and has only time for a few words. Instead, I’ll save my stories until he comes home. That way, he can be with me in the way I’m wanting.

How easy is that? (Actually, not that easy at all.)

The Action Machine (TAM)

In my efforts to use my time more effectively, I’ve become convinced that the morning hours are my most productive time, and that anything worth doing, is not only worth doing well, but it’s worth doing in the morning. But I ran across someone who thinks that if it’s worth doing, then it’s worth doing with extreme focus (because you’ll do it better, and faster, and feel more of a sense of accomplishment).

Derek Franklin built The Action Machine (TAM), an Adobe Flash application that he promises will help me (and anyone) towards amazing increases in productivity. I have a friend who uses it and really likes it, so I decided to buy it and have a go. No risk, as he offers an 8 week guarantee. (Well, the only risk is the loss of the difference in exchange rates: he sells and refunds in US dollars. When I buy it and pay with GB pounds, I lose a small amount. When he refunds me in US dollars and I have to convert to to GBP, I lose a little more. But never mind. That’s certainly not his fault.)

Here are the highlights of my experience:

  1. It stands alone. By this I mean that there is no facility for importing tasks from Outlook or Remember the Milk, or any other Task Management system. I use Outlook for task management, in a David-Allen-Get-Things-Done sort of way, and that approach works really well for me. Re-entering tasks seems a waste of time, which is annoying. I contacted Derek to be certain that there was no way to import tasks from another application. He confirmed that to be the case. What it can do is import tasks from another instance of the same application. I haven’t figured out how that would be useful, unless you have a PC and a laptop and regularly work at both workstations, perhaps.
  2. The current date is displayed in the ambiguous 6/5/2010 format. Americans do their dates one way, and nearly all of the rest of the world do theirs differently. To Americans, 6/5/2010 is the 5th of June. To me, it’s the 6th of May. I contacted Derek to see if he could format his date in some kind of unambiguous way, perhaps 5 Jun 2010. No, he wasn’t going do that. (For more on asking and saying no, see my post on Askers and Guessers). He said he hadn’t really worked with date formatting before, but that he’d take it on board for future development
  3. One morning I entered all my activities into TAM, and put in the estimated time for each activity, and hit Go! for the most important thing that day. I had a set of reports to finish and send off to a client. I set to work, and was well into it and making very good progress (this application makes it fun to focus!), when my PC beeped at me. I had a message that my time was up and this task was marked “Complete”. But I wasn’t done yet. I looked for a Give-me-10-more-minutes-please button, but there wasn’t one. In order to get 10 more minutes, I had to add the task again and assign 10 minutes to it and then Go. If you are aware of the loss of mental flow when a task is interrupted, you can appreciate that this isn’t an “undocumented feature” that I like. I want a snooze button.

I learned that I focus my efforts on completing taks, rather than spending time on an activity. For example, I will want to score 4 Leadership Development Profiles. Or I need to complete the Performance Reports and send them off. Or I need to learn how to upload a Flickr photo to my blog. I don’t work along the lines of “Spend 45 minutes on marketing”, or “Do some scoring for awhile”. Well, there are times that I work on activites rather than tasks: I can spend an hour watching TV, or soaking in the tub, or reading a novel. But some people will rather “watch Grey’s Anantomy”, or “read a chapter of Vanilla Beans and Brodo (which is excellent, by the way). But when I’m focused on being productive, I’m focused on completing tasks, not on spending a certain amount of time on that activity.

So, bottom line, I have a different mental model of what I need to do to feel more productive. I need to finish tasks. When my tasks seem to big for one sitting, I break them into smaller pieces. But the important thing, to me, is to finish it.

After all, if I say at the end of the day that I delivered proposals to two potential clients, it feels like I accompished something meaningful. If I say that I worked on some proposals today, well, it just doesn’t.

Are you an Asker or a Guesser?

Honey sent me a link and said “May be of interest.”

It has to do with the difference between Askers and Guessers.

Askers habitually ask for what they want. They ask for favours, a better deal when buying something, a flight upgrade, to stay in your spare bedroom when they’re in town, to borrow that book. Askers feel fine doing this, as they expect that people will just say “no” when the request doesn’t work for them (in whatever way — Askers often don’t expect or need an explanation). Askers ask for a pay rise, a promotion, a date. If they don’t get it, well, there may be disappointment, sure. But there are not usually any hard feelings.

Guessers aren’t so direct. Guessers pay attention to the nuances of a situation, they put out delicate feelers, or hint at wanting an offer of some kind, or try to find out if they would likely get what they want (if they were brave enough to ask for it!). Guessers won’t ask for something until they feel pretty sure the answer will be “Yes.” Guessers may be pretty upset when they aren’t successful at getting what they want. After all, they put a lot of work into it.

Guessers think that Askers are annoying, or worse, incredibly rude.

Askers think Guessers are wishy-washy, or worse, manipulative.

The trouble begins when a Guesser is approached by an Asker. “Do you mind if I borrow your Kindle to take along on my holiday?” The Asker will just ask, partly because they would find it easy to say, “No, I don’t think so” if the tables were reversed. The Guesser would struggle to say “No”, and would work hard to find an excuse, “because I’ll be using it that week.” The Guesser will consider the Asker rude, thoughtless, too forward. The Asker doesn’t understand why the Guesser has such a problem with saying No.

Honey was right: this was definitely of interest.

I’m an Asker, and I live in a world of Guessers.

Setting boundaries

Someone asked my advice for learning to set personal boundaries.

Well, what’s appropriate is different for everyone. A basic (though not simple!) approach is to look at what you value, and determine what your response would be if or when those values are not respected. Some of them will be “deal-breakers” (in the words of Dr Phil). By that I mean that if those values aren’t respected, the relationship isn’t tolerable. Some women hold the value of non-violence, and if anyone in their life raises a hand to them, that’s a deal-breaker. Other women don’t feel that way.

Steve Pavlina posted on his blog a list of possible values, from which you can pick the ones most important to you, and then prioritise. (He’s listed 374 things, and lets you know you are free to add more!)  Pick, say, 10 or 12, more if you like. But if you try this out with just a few values, you’ll get a good feel for how it is to think about this kind of thing.  For example, here are the values I picked (in alphabetical order):

  • Agility (mental and situational, not physical)
  • Appreciation
  • Approachability
  • Courage
  • Consciousness
  • Excellence
  • Freedom
  • Gratitude
  • Honesty
  • Introversion
  • Mindfulness
  • Punctuality

Once you have your long list, now put your items in priority order. When I prioritise mine, here’s what I get:

  • Mindfulness
  • Gratitude
  • Appreciation
  • Introversion
  • Courage
  • Consciousness
  • Honesty
  • Freedom
  • Excellence
  • Punctuality
  • Agility
  • Approachability

Even in the 5 minutes it took me to do this, I’ve learned something about myself. Namely, that Approachability isn’t that important to me when I compare it to all the other things. Why not try this for yourself, and see what you find out about yourself.

For me, I need a sharper focus on fewer things, so I’ll concentrate on my top 5.

  • Mindfulness
  • Gratitude
  • Appreciation
  • Introversion
  • Courage

I want to consider how I can manifest those values in my life.

The boundary setting comes into play when I imagine someone or some situation asking me to behave in a way that violates my value system. Would I comply? If so, why? The answer to that question helps me understand the nuances of what I value.

For example, one of my high values is Introversion. To me, it’s essential that I have quiet, alone time in which I can re-charge. So I need to be in a work environment that supports that need. An open plan office next to the coffee break area, with a radio continually on, and loud telephone conversations at a fever pitch of excitement, are NOT the work environment in which I thrive. So I will work to minimise all those things in my workspace. That has meant requesting a desk move, or policy changes, or an office with a door that shuts, or more home-working. These are all different ways I can honour this value.

I think that we value our jobs or careers more than we might initially think. When our boundary is pushed at work, we often tolerate it, sometimes to an extent that will surprise us. It’s an opportunity to look more deeply at ourselves and our motivations.

I think that most of us try really hard to set appropriate boundaries. Some of are successful, others not so.

Ask yourself which action causes more discomfort: Setting firm and compassionate boundaries and helping others respect them? Or not setting boundaries and repeatedly trying to manage the resultant upset? I know what I prefer! 🙂

But admittedly, it’s not easy, and can be a long journey.

My interview with Myles Downey (the completion)

Previously I wrote about my opportunity to interview Myles Downey, a business coach I admire very much.

That interview has now been published in the June 2010 issue of Integral Leadership Review. You can read the interview, HERE, on the journal’s website.

I’m really pleased with how it turned out, especially since this was my first ever try at interviewing anyone about anything!

My hope is that readers will find something useful in my writing.

The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing

Life is complicated. So many demands on our time and attention, and it’s too easy to get lost and forget what it is you were trying to do. Have you ever gone out to the kitchen, and once there, you can’t remember what you came out there for? Life can be like that at times. Only bigger. And more important.

Productivity experts have lots of advice about how to get things done. They also have advice about how to decide what’s the main thing, what’s the most important thing for you to be focused on.

But I think the biggest challenge is this: once you’ve decided, then you need to keep your focus on the main thing and not be distracted. You need to keep the main thing the main thing.

How can you do that? Here are 8 tips:

  1. Print out some colourful, relevant posters and hang them strategically around your home of office.
  2. Every day, the first thing, do something related to your main thing.
  3. Every week, determine what actions you need to take on your main thing. Add these actions to your diary , so that you have the time scheduled to do them.
  4. Ask a friend to remind you once in awhile. They can email, or IM you: Hey Debs! Hows that project going to get the ooompha off the ground? (I’d shared that my main thing at the moment is to get my ooompha off the ground.)
  5. Every night, just as you turn off the light to go to sleep, ask yourself, “What was the best thing you accomplished today with regard to the main thing?”
  6. Every morning, while you shower or shave or brush your teeth, ask yourself “What’s the most important thing for me to do today about my main thing?” (That colourful poster on the mirror should help remind you.)
  7. Think of some object that’s related (in your mind’s eye) to the main thing. Set up a search for it in ebay. (When ebay finds it, ebay will email you! How brilliant is that?!)
  8. List the top 7 things you do as distraction activities. Here are some examples: play solitaire, play sodoku, read Facebook, BBC news, watch TV, read DebbyHallet.com, read something in my pile of ‘things to be read’, answer un-urgent emails. You get the drift. Anything that you spend significant time doing when you really should be doing something else, is a distraction activity. Postpone them! Those dishes certainly need to be washed, but is is more important right now than the main thing?

Good luck. Let me know some of the things you do to keep the main thing the main thing.