We’re working on making our relationship better. The reason we married all those years ago was to work together on personal and spiritual growth, within the relationship. By that very commitment, we got what we intended. Every difficulty is the path. There is no place else to go to work on myself, or on our relationship with each other.
So I try to follow Dr Phil’s advice: ask for what you want, don’t moan about what you don’t like.
That’s harder than it sounds.
Whenever a subject comes up that’s distressing, all I seem to be able to notice at frst is how distressing it is, what specifically it is that I don’t like. But when I settle down to try to be clear (first to myself, then to him) about what it is that I DO want, I struggle. I persevere, but I struggle.
I try to phrase things in “I statements” like for instance “I feel sad when you don’t share with me what’s going on in your life.”or, “I feel lonely when I have no one to share my successes with.”
Then I try to say what I’d prefer instead. “I’d like it if you came home and shared with me the highlights of your day at work, and maybe one thing that caught you a bit by surprise and caused you to learn something about how you were being or how you were seeing things.” Or, “I want you to recognise my wins, and cheer me on.”
Like that.
In return, I get the respect that comes from being listened to. I receive a willingness to talk, to see what can be done, to understand what I mean and what I want. Solutions appear.
For example, if I want more words of encouragement or acknowledgment, I need to be sure that I’m sharing my troubles or successes at a time when he’s free to give what I’m asking for. To that end, I’m no longer going to email him with my successes throughout the day, when he’s busy and has only time for a few words. Instead, I’ll save my stories until he comes home. That way, he can be with me in the way I’m wanting.
How easy is that? (Actually, not that easy at all.)