Clear-out – Day 4

I love watching television. I especially like to watch an entire new season of a series, one episode right after the other. Right now I’m in season 2 of Ghost Whisperer.

In the spring, while DH was away, I was watching Season 1 of House (don’t you love to hate him?). The TV went off, and got sort of hung up and I had to leave it for awhile to let it rest before it would re-boot. (You can tell from this that I have extensive technical knowledge of how televisions work.) I had DH do the research to find the best TV for the best price (yes, while he was still gone), and went out and got a new one, which DH installed as soon as he got back.

The old one still had some life in it, so we decided to Freecycle it. Of course, it sat around in our already over-loaded house, until its number came up in the Great Autumn Clear-Out.

Its number came up today.

DH wrote the ad for me, and I posted it on Freecycle. I got the first reply within 30 seconds! Over the next 15 minutes I got 23 replies. Some of them even after I’d posted on Freecycle: Taken! The young man came right over to get it.

So, one more space-taker-upper is gone from our house.

Small and steady steps win the race.

Clear-out – Day 3

The bathroom drawers got a turning out today. There are 7 drawers there, three large and four small. The oldest thing was some Bonine (anti-motion sickness) I bought in Costa Mesa California when I lived there. I moved away in 1994.

The oddest thing was a complete plaster set of teeth moulds. I decided to keep it for when I get my bottom bridge replaced. Might save some dosh, or at least some aggro.

Also found, for a laugh, 8 lipsticks (Lancome, cos I deserved it), of which two belonged to my mother, who died in 1993. I haven’t worn lipstick since I came to the UK in 1997. I saved 3 (in case of emergency) and binned the rest.

A couple of weeks ago I was in some massive pain, and whinging about how we didn’t have any good painkillers. Today I found co-codemol in the drawer. Off code, assuredly, but probably way better than nothing. I kept it.

I found a small plastic tool that DH is convinced belongs to something important, but neither of us can remember what. I kept it.

Outcome: two empty drawers, and one that’s only half full.

Result!

Clear-Out – Day 2

Today I removed all the cleaning products tucked into various corners of the bathroom floor. I hadn’t used some of them in years. Not that I haven’t cleaned the bathroom in years – eeuuw – but I bought all these products guaranteed to fight soap-scum, mould and mildew, and never found anything that worked any better than plain old Cillit Bang, which I’ve kept.

I’ve engaged DH for some tasks this weekend. He strongly prefers just to do as he’s told. Also, he prefers not to be put in a situation where he has to make any decisions about whether to keep something or let it go. (In the Myers Briggs world, he’s INTP. The P is the problem in making decisions. He likes to keep his options open, so holds onto everything.)

Nothing looks cleared out yet. Removing Nanna’s cupboard yesterday and the orts on the floor today has only exposed more peeling wallpape, spider webs and dirty baseboards. But things have to get worse before they get better.

That’s all for today.

Clear-Out – Day 1

Time to begin! I’ve made a list of every place in the house that needs my attention, and there are about 80 things there. I have 120 days or so, less a few when I’m away, so that’s probably doable. What do you think?

The Lib Dem Bazaar is in December, and I plan to complete this by 1 Dec, so they’ll be smiling when they see my donations coming in!

Here’s a sample of the list I made:

I entered all the tasks into an Excel spreadsheet so I can attach Do-Dates to each one. I tried to keep each task to something that can be done in under an hour. I plan to do one each day. We’ll see how that goes.

Some tasks are going to be troublesome. We have a few boxes full of books that we somehow haven’t been able to get rid of. The very fact that they’re in boxes rather than on the shelves means we haven’t referred to them in quite awhile, and we didn’t expect to want to get to them anytime soon. But when it actually comes down to putting them in a bag and taking them to Oxfam, well, that might be a different story.

Dave and I have very good intentions!

The Great Autumn Clear-Out

At our house, we’re about to set out on a 3 month clearing-out project. My theory: clearing out our physical spaces contributes to a clearer inner life. Best case: a new perspective. Worst case: a less encumbered house.

I’ll give frequent updates here, and lessons learned. (Or as they say in UK, lessons learnt.)

It begins tomorrow, 1 Sep and ends 10 Nov 2011.

Wish me well!

How to Flourish in Your Life

Most psychological approaches ask us to look at our pain, weaknesses and short-comings, and then implement a plan to improve so that we’ll feel better or be more effective or have more self-esteem. If you take a close look at most models, there is nothing that offers a ‘cure’ for your woes, but only palliative therapies. Removing or reducing the bad stuff is one approach, but it doesn’t seem to me that it’s helpful in leading a fulfilling life. I manage my depression, learn to get past my sad/scared/angry feelings of the past, forgive my perpetrators. But none of that makes me happy, does it?

Dr Martin Seligman decided that he wanted a psychology that helped people to be happy, to lead fulfilling lives, and he invented ‘positive psychology’.

At first he called it ‘authentic happiness’, and focused on happiness-as-a-positive-emotion. But reflection made him realize that this excluded people who weren’t a walking happy face, or were introverted. Like him. And like me.

I’m annoyed when someone, usually a stranger, looks at me and says, ‘Smile!’ I think of myself as pretty serious, not frivolous, and certainly not jolly (in spite of my Facebook photo at the moment). But I feel good about my life, challenged and rewarded, engaged and purposeful, loving and loved. My life is fulfilled.

So Dr Seligman took a deeper look at his subject matter, something I usually appreciate when I encounter it. He came up with a five-point plan for flourishing in life. He called his new book, Flourish.

He look at 5 points to a flourishing life, acronym: P E R M A.

P for Positive Emotions: we need to feel happy, satisfied, grateful, hopeful, loved, amused, content, joyful and all sorts of other positive emotions. These are just some of mine; your list will be different. I want to experience more of these emotions, and fewer of the other sort. Meditation has helped me experience emotions as passing states, and I’ve learned that I can elicit different emotions by thinking different thoughts. How much of your time is spent feeling positive emotions?

E is for Engagement: When I do work in which I feel engaged, I’m completely absorbed, and time flies by. You know the idea of being ‘in the flow’? It’s when you are so engrossed in what you’re doing that you lose awareness of the world around you, your aches and pains, the noisy children next door, your worries and woes. This happens for me when I’m writing. Also when I’m reading a particularly skillfully crafted detective novel. 🙂 Do you love what you spend most of your time doing?

R is for Positive Relationships: (‘P’ was already used.) Our relationships bring us opportunities for growth and development, serve as mirrors of our own character, and let us love and be loved. If you’re challenged to make and keep close friends, heal rifts with family members, or attract and maintain an intimate relationship, this probably gets a lot of your mental and emotional attention. In what ways are you actively seeking to improve your relationships?

M is for Meaning: When there’s a sense that you are doing things for benefit to something beyond yourself, it brings satisfaction. For me, I have a picture of my purpose and I just know when what I’m doing fits snugly into that picture. It doesn’t need a belief in god to know your purpose, although that might be your path. It’s within your heart, and when you discover it or uncover it, you’ll know. There’s a tilt, or a click, as something falls neatly into place. What makes your heart sing? What do people seek you out for? What do you excel at? And where do you get into the flow? All of that hints at your personal meaning in life.

A is for Achievement: We feel good about ourselves when we accomplish what we set out to do. If it also clicks with our sense of purpose, then we get those positive emotions, but we feel particularly good when we’re proud of ourselves. At the end of each year I look back and list what I’ve achieved. The list can get surprisingly long! When I see the list, I feel good about myself and the direction my life is going. How often to you pause to feel that glow of pride when you’ve accomplished what you set out to do? How would it be if you did that more often? Or more deeply?

“At last, psychology gets serious about glee, fun and happiness. Martin Seligman has given us a gift – a practical map for the perennial quest for a flourishing life.”
Daniel Goleman, author of /Emotional Intelligence

“I finished his new book, Flourish, a convert… less an academic or therapeutic enterprise than a game-changing crusade.”
New Scientist

“The reason western policy-makers are excited by Seligman’s approach is that he has apparently found a way to turn the lessons of ancient philosophy into an evidence-backed science”
The Spectator

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Renewal

I spent last week on a Greek island, and learned that having the time to read a thoughtful book all the way through, think about something all the way to the outcome I’d like, or listen to mp3 lectures and then write my thoughts about it all, renews me.

Now, to figure out how to incorporate that space into real life.

My Bravery Journal

I’ve done something this week that I was frightened to do. I felt the fear and did it anyway. And nothing terrible happened. In fact, I ended up having some fun, and feeling pretty good about myself.

Two weeks ago, I won two elections, each one to a seat on a council where I live. One is the district council, the other the parish council. (To my non-UK readers, have you ever seen The Vicar of Dibley? Parish council is pretty much like that. The district council comprises several parishes.) This week I had all the first meetings, full council, committees, groups.

I was scared of going to new places, meeting lots of new people, not knowing where things are or how things work.

It’s somewhat reminiscent of how I was with piano lessons. For awhile now, I’ve wanted to play the piano and make beautiful music. I found an instructor nearby and went to my first lesson. What I quickly remembered was that I don’t like not knowing how to do something. Seriously. I wanted to be able to play the piano. I didn’t want to have to practice and be a beginner. Piano wasn’t meant for me. Or I wasn’t meant for it. Or something. I don’t fully understand it yet. I wasn’t afraid to take lessons. But maybe I was afraid to look foolish?

This pattern has a chance to repeat itself with my current effort to learn to swim properly. Last week, I took my first lesson in about 45 years. When the (kind and encouraging) instructor asked me what my goal was, I pointed to the lady swimming laps smoothly and without a ripple and said, “I want to be able to swim like that.” But so far, it’s not like playing the piano. So far, I’m willing to practice at swimming. I wonder what the difference is? Something about the rewards being potentially great enough to overcome the fear of looking foolish?

So anyway, now some people greet me as Councillor Hallett. It’s quite fun, that.

~~~~~~

Last year, I met a man who shared with me that he had an approach to tackling his fears. He learned that the things he feared weren’t really dangerous, and that he could grow his courage to do the things he feared by keeping track of what he feared, what he did, and the outcome.

He called it his Bravery Journal. I thought that was a super idea, so I started one too.

Whenever I feel that butterflies-in-the-tummy, sweaty-palms, I’d-really-like-to-cancel-out-of-this feeling, I know it’s time to write an entry in my Bravery Journal. I write the date, name the fearful event, and describe what exactly I fear. Then I expect a bit more from myself and go and do the thing I fear. Once I’m done, I come back to my Bravery Journal and write about what happened. It’s usually something really good.

This week, I was scared to go to the first full council meeting. I was worried that I might say or do something that showed my inexperience and that others would think it was a mistake that I was elected (or some foolishness such as that). So I wrote about it in my Bravery Journal, and then I went along to the meeting anyway. That night I met some district officers who offered to help me contribute to our local Save the Library campaign in ways above and beyond what I expected. I went home and wrote that in my Bravery Journal. The next meeting this week wasn’t nearly as scary for me.

Try this the next time you feel frightened, or even if you just think, “I’m going to cancel out of that commitment tonight.” Write the date, name the event, and write a few sentences about how you’re feeling, about what you fear will happen. Then go and do it anyway. (That part is really important. If you don’t go and do it anyway, you’ll never get braver.) After you survive, come back to the Bravery Journal and write about the outcome.

Over time, sometimes a very short time, you’ll get braver, and more willing to say yes to new things, which makes your life richer.

Try it out and tell me about it, won’t you?

Doing My Best

Lately, I’ve been having a rough time.

Life handed me a medical diagnosis to deal with. That’s fine. Life does that. But it’s my reaction to it that has me thinking. I’m not able to get as much done as I expect of myself. And at the end of each day, or week, I look back and tend to notice all the things I didn’t do.

After a particularly tiring week, last night as I lay in bed (extremely early because I was exhausted) I started my habit of carrying forward to tomorrow, or next week, all the things I didn’t get done.

But I interrupted myself this time. Instead, I thought, “Hey, I did the best I could. And that’s all I can do.”

And that’s all any of us can do, really. Don’t you think?

Goals for Roles

The busier your life, the more important it is for you to keep on track toward what matters to you and maintain a balance among all your roles; ensure you pay consistent attention to the things you value most, and take small steps that get you closer to what you want.

Roles

My roles are the hats I wear in different parts of my life. I’m a consultant, blogger, wife/partner, family member, meditator, homeowner, friend, family tree researcher, Integral Community Member, personal coach, mother, keeper of the temple (my body). Everyone’s roles are different and personal to them. Your roles reflect what you value; goals for roles fulfill your life in a way that matters to YOU.

Goals

As you consider your goals, think about the longer term. Look down the road a year or more, depending on what you find comfortable. These longer term goals inform the shorter-term goals that drive your weekly and daily plans. For each role, what’s the main thing you’d like to achieve in the long term?

For example, in my role of Family Tree Researcher, I’ve got an intention to create resources that future generations can use in their family research. For this year, I set two pretty big goals:

Get my application in for the Daughters of the American Revolution so that my granddaughters and their descendants can use this proven lineage if they should want to join.
Publish a website for my granddaughters’ family tree that gives other researchers access to my research results for free.

Possible monthly goals for this role:

Register domain name
Decide on software to drive the site
Decide which UK chapter of DAR to join
Get proofs of births for first 3 generations.

On Sunday evening, I plan my actions for the next week. Some possible weekly goals:

Contact St James Chapter for membership info
Contact Westminster Chapter for membership info
Load WordPress to site and find out how to link The Next Generation software as a plugin.
Send away for Dad’s birth certificate

Why do I set my goals this way?

I focus on my purpose and ensure the actions I take each day and week support my longer-term goals. Even though in some weeks I may not take active steps to move me towards a particular goal in a role, it’s important to me that I consider each goal in each role every time I make up a To Do list.

For me, the main thing in my Sunday evening planning session is to consider all my goals in my roles when I decide how to use my time this week. I’m confident I’m giving my attention to the things I value, moving forward toward what I want, and balancing the different parts of my life in a way that works for me.

How to set Goals for Roles

1. List your most important roles. Consider those where you spend most of your time, or maybe one that you value and would like to give more time to. Consider your roles at work, in your personal life and in your community. Of those roles you’ve listed, which are the most important to you? Highlight perhaps 6-8 roles. You may have more roles, but while you learn how to use this method, limit yourself the most important roles.

2. For each role you listed above, think about your general intention. What are you trying to do? If your life in that role were perfect, what would it look like? For my role as a family tree researcher, my general intention was to create resources that future generations can use. If Parent is one of your main roles, what’s important about that? To have children who succeed in school? To have open communications with your child? To let your child explore many activities and interests?

3. Once you are clear about your intention, set some specific goals about what you want to achieve. Maybe you are going to set and maintain regular study sessions for your children during school term this year. Or, you are going to keep your children involved in two sports activities over the summer holidays. Set SMART goals so you know when you’ve succeeded.

This approach supports you to make steady progress towards goals that you value, and keep a balance in your life among all the roles you play.

Related reading:

How to Set SMART Goals: Goals that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-bound give you more chances for success.

The Power of Planning: How setting goals for roles contributes to effective planning.