debby.hallett@gmail.com – Page 7

Rocks, gravel, sand

Think of all the things you have to do in a day, and metaphorically divide them into rocks, gravel and sand.

Rocks: the most important things, where the outcome matters to you. They might be big things, or not-so-big, but they are important and you want to be sure they are done today. There probably are only a few rocks in any given day.

Gravel: less important things, but they still matter to you. They probably require some time to get done. These need to be done, although not necessarily today. If you take care of some of the gravel bits each day, it doesn’t pile up so as to become an insurmountable mountain.

Sand: either not that important, or don’t take more than a few minutes. Possibly not important at all. There may an almost limitless amount of sand. The grains of sand are low priority; they may be fun, or interesting, or shiny and new.

Imagine that your day is a good-sized glass jar. There’s room for a lot of rocks, gravel and sand in it. But, since you can’t fit it all in, it matters the order in which you put them in.

Your unproductive day: first sand, then gravel, finally rocks. You can’t easily judge how much sand you can get away with before you fill the jar too full to hold much gravel or any rocks at all.

A pretty normal day: some gravel, some sand, some more gravel, and then if there’s any room left, maybe one rock.

Your effective day: The biggest rock, then possibly other rocks, then a scoopful of gravel to fill in some nooks and crannies, and finally, pour in some sand to fill in all the smallest spaces.

In your effective day, you got the most important things done, quite a few of the next most important things, and still had some time left over for fun and games.

If you regularly have important things that you don’t get done, try a different approach.

Rocks, gravel, sand.

You Can’t Have What You’re Not Willing to Not Have

I used to say that a lot: “You can’t have what you’re not willing to not have.”

I was going to blog about it, and I wanted to look up the original source, but I couldn’t remember where I’d read it. It was, like, more than 30 years ago. So I googled it. On the whole internet, there was only one place where that existed, so I went there to see it. Someone had included in their blog, as a quote, by “my mom”. How cool is that? I thought. One other mother in the world thinks like I do, I thought.

Two days later I was chatting with my lovely daughter, and I told her about it. “That’s me,” she said. “That’s my blog.”

And it was indeed her, on a just-barely-started blog where I couldn’t see that it was her. So it turns out that I am the cool mom who said that in such a way that her daughter quoted her cool mom.

You can see it on RazberryDesgin.Tumblr.com

How cool is that?

Another day I’ll tell you all about what it means. You can’t have what you’re not willing to not have. Think about it.

My interview with Myles Downey

I first came across Myles Downey while I was in coach training, and someone recommended his book, Effective Coaching, Lessons from the Coach’s Coach, as one of the best they had read.

Myles often refers to a coachee as a “player”, as in “you are the player in your game of life”. This reflects his roots in Tim Gallwey’s Inner Game, where the job of the coach is to essentially create the conditions under which the player can be in the best possible state for learning. I thought “Player” was the best label I’d seen. As I was nearing the end of the book, I was thinking, “This is the closest thing to an integral approach to coaching that I’ve seen – he uses the inner workings of someone to increase awareness of the external actions, all within the context of the situation or organisation”. I turned the page and saw “The Four Quadrants”. I jumped out of my chair, did one of those tennis-player-type fist pumps, and had to settle back down to see what he said about Ken Wilber.

There are two big themes in this book that I want to bring together here in order to provide a lens through which you might view an organisation. The first of these themes is the idea of Inner and Outer, and the second is the notion of the Individual and the Organisation.

I Googled Myles Downey, and found a news item about his London School of Coaching being bought by JMJ Associates, a US company. Curious about that, I looked for JMJ Associates, and found that they are also a company doing organisational work based on Wilber’s Four Quadrants. I contacted their Director of Global Development, Rick Strycker, who, it turned out, was an original member of the Integral Institute. I arranged to speak with him, and that’s how I learned about how JMJ Associates and the School of Coaching were joining their efforts.

At that point I asked for and received an introduction to Myles Downey and asked him if we could do an interview for the Integral Leadership Review (where I am the UK bureau chief). Curiously, he told me he didn’t actually think of himself as “Integral”. But I’m keenly interested in the practical applications of the theories (and not so much the debate of the theories themselves, these days), and this was perfect.

So I’ve had a wonderful conversation with Myles Downey, originally of Dublin, recently of London, and now of the world — an Integral practitioner and one of the leading coaches in the world, who does his work through the framework of the Four Quadrants.

This interview will be published in Integral Leadership Review’s June 2010 issue. Subscribe to ILR via that link: it’s free.

A Lesson in Willingness 1

I wonder if this principle is really, really true. Or if I only notice it when evidence in the real world supports the principle, and just don’t notice when it doesn’t.

Lots of things happen to us that we don’t plan, intend or want. I’ve adopted a stance that helps me cope with these things.

It’s this: if I really, in my heart of hearts, am completely willing for something to happen, then it usually doesn’t. If I do all the work inside myself to get to a point where I decide I can deal with this if it happens, then I won’t have to deal with it, because it won’t happen. I call this ‘My lesson in willingness.’

It doesn’t work if I try to trick myself in saying, ‘Yes, I’m willing for that to happen,’ hoping then that I fool providence (or whatever) into not making me endure it (whatever ‘it’ is). Seriously. You have to be genuinely, completely, authentically willing for it to happen.

Here’s my most recent example:

Last month I applied for a job I really wanted. I sent off my carefully crafted CV to the recruiter, who rang me the next morning to assure himself that I really was as good as I looked on paper, and he said he’d put me forward for this position. Then, silence. I heard nothing, nada, not a peep, for weeks. I assumed my CV had fallen into a black hole, as you do. But then other opportunities opened up for me. I found someone with whom I could collaborate on an exciting project. My husband got a pay rise. More consulting work came in, a few more coaching clients. I decided I really didn’t want to get a job, to be an employee. I recommitted with gusto and enthusiasm to my plans for self-employment.

Then, guess what happened?

That’s right. I had a phone call. Some problem or other had interrupted their recruitment process, they were sorry. Was I still available and was I still interested?

Hmmmm.

My lesson in willingness. I was SO willing not to have this job, that now when the door is open again and it looks like I might have it if I want it, I don’t actually want it after all.

Isn’t that interesting? It’s a little along the lines of ‘what you resist, persists’, but like the opposite. I find it totally convincing.

What do you think?

Four Territories of Experience

There are four areas where you can place your attention when you think about your experience. They differ slightly depending on whether your experience is only with yourself, or with one other, or as part of a larger group (and we’ll look more closely at those differences in another post). But in general, they cover four perspectives or arenas of experience.

First Territory: Outside events. Results, outcomes, assessments, observed consequences, environmental effects, market performance. In business, or in life, these are the external, measurable, observable, results we get.

Second Territory: One’s performance. Behaviors, skills, patterns of activity, actions. In business, and in life, these are the activities we perform, the things we do.

Third Territory: Strategies, or action-logics. Strategies, game plans, ploys. In business and life, this is the larger plan about how we plan to achieve a vision, how the overall intention is to be realized.

Fourth Territory: Intentional attention. The vision, the intention, what it is you are trying to create. In business, the long term vision and mission of the organization. In life, your purpose in living, what you want to create in life.

Awareness of each of these territories is the first skill to master in Action Inquiry, an approach to learning from your experience by comparing your results to what you intended.

By learning to identify which territory of experience has the focus of attention, you’re well on your way to being more effective, through Action Inquiry.

No judgement

When you see someone or something you disapprove of, is your opinion written all over your face? Do you mutter to yourself ‘Humph! Well, I never!’, maybe loud enough for others to hear? Whatever your response, you can transform the situation from a stressful, upsetting incident to an opportunity to learn something about yourself.

Judging others lets us feel superior; we think we know better, and they should take our advice. We might think we’re being helpful when we give ‘constructive criticism’, but it’s often just being hurtful and judgmental.

This is the paradox: when you point your finger at someone else, there are three fingers pointing back at you. Psychologists tell us that what we judge in others are often the things we don’t like in ourselves, but don’t want to think about or even acknowledge. Life provides these helpful reflections every day, often in obvious ways. Judging others raises your level of stress by winding you up and leaving issues unresolved.

Think about the last time you felt really annoyed, hurt or angry about how someone was behaving. See if you can identify exactly what it was that got such a rise out of you. Now, pretend that’s a mirror held up for your benefit. How are you like that? For example, I hurry my trolley past the frustratingly slow old dear with her Zimmer frame and get to the checkout first, to be met by a shop assistant with a cold who sneezes all over my veg. ‘Well!’ I sniff. ‘How inconsiderate!’

This idea that we fail to recognise in ourselves what we judge in others isn’t new. The New Testament asks, ‘Why do you notice the speck in your brother’s eye, but fail to notice the log in your own eye?’ You see something over there, judge it, and fail to notice that the same quality is in you.

Think about an instance in your life where you think someone is wrong. Maybe a family member? Is there someone you clash with regularly? What do you say about them? ‘That Claire, she just doesn’t care about anyone but herself!’ It might be that the universe is offering you a lesson, if you are open to taking it on board. Look to see where you appear to be (or actually are) uncaring, and thinking only about yourself. If you open your heart and really take a good look, you’ll find some part of you that feels unloved, unacceptable (to you), and shameful (to you). It can be hard to look directly at yourself, so you see this quality in others instead. And you’ll find it everywhere.

Here’s a challenge, if you’re willing. Finish this sentence: I just can’t stand people who… Now, ask yourself, ‘How am I like that?’

You may find your stress level reduced when you tackle what you can change (yourself) instead of what you can’t change (everyone and everything else).

No Comparison

There is no one exactly like you. You have special talents, skills, ways of looking at the world and of connecting to the people in your life. But we tend to compare ourselves to others. When we do that, we may imagine that others are better than we are and feel bad. Or we may think we come off looking better than others, and feel a bit smug. Either way, it doesn’t make us happier. In fact, it adds stress.

Consider what happens when we compare ourselves to others and think that they’re better than we are. We could use it to motivate ourselves to do better and make more of ourselves, but we usually don’t. Instead we think of ourselves as losers and beat ourselves up. We look at celebrities and think how slim they are, how beautiful. We envy them their glam holidays or famous partners. Then, inevitably, we compare our lives to theirs. And in reality, we look more like Ann Widdicombe than Kate Winslet, the credit crunch has us settling for a dinner of fish finger sandwiches, chips and baked beans, and we’re looking forward to a package holiday self-catering in Benidorm.

It might serve us better to recognise that celebrities have their problems, just like we do. They work to create a secure, joyful life, just like we do. They worry about their children being safe and happy, just like we do. And they have pain in their lives when things don’t work out. Just like we do.

Now consider what happens when we compare ourselves to others and think that we come out looking a little better. Some popular examples might include Amy Winehouse, Jade Goody, or Karen Matthews, the mother who abducted her own daughter, Shannon. As we witness their struggles in the daily news, we could see examples of what not to do in our own lives, or we might see something in our lives that we want to change before it goes badly wrong. But instead, we usually shake our heads and say, ‘What losers. I’d never behave that way.’ When we feel superior, we have to defend ourselves from losing ground. We have to stay vigilant to keep our heads above the rest.

It might serve us better to recognise that these people do the best they can with what they have, just like we do. The get their lives into a tangle of unhealthy habits or bad choices, just like we do. They may feel overwhelmed at the responsibilities and expectations they face, just like we do. They handle their fear by refusing to face reality and hoping their troubles will just disappear. Just like we do.

No-one comes out a winner when we compare ourselves to others. It just adds stress to your life. Instead, the next time you notice you’re comparing yourself to someone else, catch yourself, and look instead at how you are like them. Your common humanity and the shared struggle connects you as human beings, and allows compassion to grow.

7 ways to feel happier at the end of the day

Make a plan for your day. List the things you must do. Keep the list short, so you can do them.
Do the most important thing first. That way, if you get interrupted later, you’ll already have done something worthwhile. Don’t just do the easy thing first.
Complete three things each day, for sure. Fewer than three doesn’t offer enough opportunities for feeling great about accomplishments. Aiming for more just adds stress to your life.
Keep your commitments. If you can’t keep them, then re-negotiate and make a new commitment. Include commitments you make to yourself as well as those you make to others.
Take some exercise. If you don’t do any now, add some. If you do some already, then good for you!
Do the washing up before you go to bed. (This could be one of the three things you complete.) FlyLady also suggests you should Shine Your Sink.
When you get into bed, think of three things that you’re grateful for. Feel free to think of more!

Will you let me know how this works for you? Leave a comment.

Clear Your Clutter

Our lives can be free-flowing, full of confidence, opportunity and good luck. Or, we can feel stuck, embarrassed and unlucky. To have more of the former, it can help if we clear out our physical environment. Getting rid of your clutter, all the things you don’t want, allows more space in your life for the things you do want.

Karen Kingston has written a great little book that has helped millions to work out their clutter problem, called Clearing Your Clutter with Feng Shui (pronounced roughly ‘fung shway’). Don’t be put off by the ‘feng shui’ bit. That’s useful, and interesting, but the advice on how to clear your clutter works even if you don’t care to know about feng shui. See her blog here: http://tiny.cc/izxyj. See the most recent edition of her book here: http://tiny.cc/0h392

Assuming you recognize clutter when you see it, here are some of her tips for clearing it out.

Plan your attack. A weekend blitz with all hands on deck? Or a little bit at a time?
Plan your route. Walk around your house and make a list of all the cluttered areas: the underwear drawer, behind the hall door, the coat hooks, the kitchen window sill. Next, sort that list from Small to Big, and get stuck in at the top of the list, smallest things first. Start with a drawer or a cupboard and do that. It feels great, and you’ll want to do more!
Prepare to conquer. Assemble 5 boxes or bags:
1. Rubbish. Things not loveable, nor useful to anyone.
2. Recycling. Things to be given to someone else, sold, donated to charity, or Free-cycled.
3. Repairs. Only things you are sure you’ll use after they’re fixed.
4. Transit. Things on their way to somewhere else in your house.
5. Dilemma. A small box for the things you really need some time to think about.
6. Clear your clutter. Take everything out of the area you’re working on. Then, pick up one item at a time and deal with it. Does it stay or go? If it stays, either put it back where it belongs, or in the relevant box: Repairs or Transit. If it goes, put it in either Rubbish or Recycle.

Karen says, ‘Decide that everything that takes up space in your house must pass the Clutter Test.’

Does it lift my energy when I think about it or look at it?
Do I absolutely love it?
Is it genuinely useful?

Required: ‘Yes’ to question 1, and ‘Yes’ to either question 2 or 3.

Finally, remember that the speed with which you clear your clutter will be matched by the speed with which new, joyful, wonderful things come into your life.

Make it fun! You’ll love the result!

10 Tiny Changes

If you take a look around your life, you can probably see a lot of things you’d like to change. If you make a list of all those things, letting the ideas spill out of your over-crowded mind and onto a blank sheet of paper, it can be daunting. There can be literally hundreds of things, and every one of them looks huge. You could throw up your hands and never even begin. But I’ve found a better way to get started.

Julia Cameron wrote The Artist’s Way to guide people on a 12-week path of personal change. One of her exercises is Ten Tiny Changes.

Make a list of ten tiny changes you could make in your life, that would bring you joy, or contentment, or a sigh of relief. These changes are really supposed to be tiny, more like ‘wash the window that catches the morning sun’ than ‘travel to the Maldives’. Choose things that would take only a few minutes. Don’t be hard on yourself, but find some simple-to-do, high value things. For example, if you’re like me, there’s bound to be something that you notice repeatedly. How about the shrub that drips cold water on you every time you pass it? (Snip off that branch.) Or those cobwebs up above the door? (Brush them all away.)

From your list of ten tiny changes, pick one and make it your goal for this week. Do it! You’ll add something nice to your life.

Today, I filled a shopping bag full of novels to take to my local Oxfam. It’s cleared a nice space on my bookshelf, where I’ve put a small picture of my granddaughter. It’s made me smile.